I Don’t Love You Mom

Yesterday while I was at work I got a call from my dad. He wanted  me to know that my mom had a heart attack overnight and was in the hospital. For the record she is ok, she is coming home today. She had 100% blockage and they have cleared it out, I imagine with angioplasty.

You know that moment when someone says “She had a heart attack” and there is a pause before mentioning that she is still alive…..and in that moment you usually are starting to panic and freak out. I didn’t have that. As bad  as it sounds I waited holding my breath fully expecting to hear that she passed and I wanted to hear that. And as my dad spoke to me about the ordeal, I felt very indifferent. I wasn’t sad. I was by no means happy. This whole thing brings on two situations.

1) I couldn’t be there for my dad. For whatever reasons he loves my mother. I guess I should be happy that someone does. But regardless I love my father dearly and I sat there not knowing what to say or how to deal with him possibly losing her. 

2) I felt like I SHOULD have felt sad or bad or something, and I didn’t. That in itself made me feel bad. This is a woman who doesn’t take care of herself and then wants the world to pity her. Or at least those around her. I don’t pity her. I don’t pity people who don’t want to change their circumstances or even make an attempt. She jumps on these bandwagons but quickly comes off of them and then demands for special treatment. She is 52 years old and cannot walk from a parking lot to a store front. Why? Because she is overweight and it hurts her back. She won’t do research and find ways to fix her problem. She would rather find an easier way to just live, such as not walk as much as possible. And I don’t get it. To me that isn’t living. That is merely existing miserably. And there is still alot of hurt from things that we have been through already. I don’t think she has ever loved me and after some of the things she has said, she doesn’t deserve the love I have to give. It’s as simple as that. I don’t have any desire to know her, I would prefer that my kids don’t know her (and after the last trip, I am not so sure that they want to know her either). And then I am right back to that stuck place with my dad. And then I feel bad for not feeling bad or sad that she is slowly dying.

So there it is. I love my mother because she is a human being. I love her as much as I love my next door neighbor. I don’t wish bad things on her. I simply don’t love my mother as my mother. The idea that your children love you unconditionally is a myth. You don’t get to mistreat them and never ever apologize. People make mistakes, but they are only forgiveable when someone has the balls to say “I messed up and I am sorry”. I hope she figures it out soon, she is nearing the time where people in her family die. The diabetes is really destroying her. And she has yet to ever look at me and try.

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~ by alegna75 on July 23, 2009.

One Response to “I Don’t Love You Mom”

  1. (((HUGS))) Reading this made me want to find you and give you a big hug. I am so sorry you do not have the bond with your mother you so deserve. I’m sure your father understands in his own way and your bond will stay intact. You can only do so much for others but the burden of responsibility only belongs to them. So you protect and love your children 🙂

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