Just When I Am Feeling Happy
You know…..I really get the grieving process. I understand it’s difficult…I have been through it enough to understand. But dammit I am really getting irritated with my husband.
I fully expected him to be moody, he hasn’t let me down. He has been in a funk and I know why…..he isn’t dealing with whatever is still in him. He was rehashing the same stuff for awhile and then he clammed up. I know exactly what he is doing….he is afraid to let it go and move on. And I am frustrated with him for it. He still has not dealt with spreading his brother’s ashes. He was supposed to be talking to someone down in Florida about it. But that stopped. And as soon as it stopped is when he went downhill.
Now the suggestion was made to do it on Sean’s birthday, Sept 9th. If this happens that means my husband won’t be back here until the 10th or 11th. On the 11th we are supposed to be in Lexington, KY. So what am I supposed to do now? It’s hard enough to find time with my husband, now this? It was our weekend away and because HE WOULDN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT I might lose that. Am I wrong for being pissed? I mean I won’t say he can’t go….he needs this. But dammit I don’t know what else I am supposed to do. I can’t be the strong one all the time and that’s what it feels like I am supposed to be.
Then there is the money issue. The tickets were expensive. They aren’t refundable. Since they are in my name I can replace him with someone else….but will I have time to find someone? I mean it’s not like the Captain can say “oh yea we should be at sea that day”…he doesn’t fucking know that far ahead of time. I can’t wait until last minute either. On top of that we are sharing our hotel room with another guy. I am cool with him and all but it would be a bit weird for me and this guy to be in a room without someone else present….so I gotta find someone else to go.
But the worst…all money aside….is that my husband won’t call right now. As he puts it “I don’t want to”. Hm. yea. When will he? I mean who REALLY WANTS to call and discuss spreading their loved ones ashes. No one. But they do it because it must be done. And he doesn’t want to. because it’s too final. Because he will have to let go of the sadness and he is scared to do that.