The Aftermath

So hubs is struggling. Rightfully so, he was close to his brother. Yesterday he spent most of the morning in bed. He had said that he hadn’t had any alone time and that was all he wanted. So I let him go be alone. I won’t step in on something like that unless it becomes a major habit. He needs some time alone to deal with it all.

I am finding a new “predicament” arising. It is a bit like a double edged sword. People are naturally wanting to express their condolences. I know I do it whenever someone I know loses someone. But when is the right time? How long do you give the family time to process? As of right now, my husband is trying to avoid certain situations so that he doesn’t have to hear “I am so sorry for your loss”. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate the condolences, it’s just that it opens the floodgates. And in a way he is at this point where he is tired of thinking about it, tired of crying about it, tired of having everyone say something. It’s a tough situation to be in since no one wants to lash out and start screaming at everyone to shut the hell up.

Only time will tell. I know that it’s going to take time, I hope he understands it as well.

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~ by alegna75 on May 29, 2009.

4 Responses to “The Aftermath”

  1. I ran interference for my sister. The day of her beloved’s memorial service, my Mom asked her how she was, and she said she was sick and fucking tired of being asked she was, that she was shitty, that the whole damn thing was shitty, and why the hell did everyone keep asking. So I ran in front of her the whole morning and told people “we’re not asking her how she is today. she’s not good.” That helped.

    It also helped that when push came to shove and someone said “I’m sorry for your loss” or “It’s all in God’s plan” or some other well meaning but hard to hear thing, she wasn’t willing to be rude to express her displeasure with their concern.

    There is no time given to families in grief before they are showered with well meaning cliches and casseroles with corn flake toppings. Cruelly, when all you need is time to absorb the shock and let the rawness scab over, you’re inundated. When the initial waves of grief subside, and you could really use some comfort and a tuna casserole, everyone else has gone on with their lives. It sucks.

    This is going to sound really crass, but if I were feeling the way he is, I would get stupid drunk. Then again, I was raised Catholic, so it’s a natural inclination. 😉

    Does he have a close friend or two that could come over and spend some time with him, having been briefed by you about what he’s uncomfortable with? Maybe just having some friends around that won’t feel it necessary to perform all the polite rituals will help him get out of bed and draw the waters back away from the dam.

    • It’s funny, he is not a drinker but even he said he feels like he needs a beer or 20. He does have one close friend that has bent over backwards NOT mentioning his bro at all. They went to a movie last night and they are going to meet some other friends tonight and just hang. The other friends have already been briefed so unless he mentions anything nothing will be said. Last night when he got home he said it felt wonderful that no questions were asked. He ended up talking about it but it was all on him.

      I also noticed it comes in ebbs and flows. Sometimes he talks about his bro and he laughs, smiles, doesn’t show a single sign of sadness. Then other times it just hits him hard, as if it’s all brand new (which it really still is..it’s only been a couple days). His biggest problem is that he seems to think he should be over it. He held his bro’s hand and was awake for 12+ hours before the final breath was taken. I keep telling him that it’s not something that he can just be over in a day or so. It’s going to take awhile.

      Oy, I am trying to be patient. I hate to see him like this.

  2. ((hugs))

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