A Little Humility Anyone?

I have never hidden the fact that I was am a drug addict. Many people who meet me now are kind of surprised by that fact. But hey, I was a teen and had alot of issues. Some of those issues are still around, but I have improved with age. One of the problems with gaining alot of clean time is that one can potentially become quite cocky. One can begin to think that they no longer had to worry. And when one does that, sometimes they fall. I have fallen.

After I had Alex in 2005 I had a tubal ligation done….literally the day after he popped out. I was prescribed Percocets to which I had a long discussion with the doctor about my neurological issues….mainly my chemical imbalance and bipolar disorder. He assured me that as long as I only took them when needed and in proper dosage I would be ok. I wasn’t so sure. So I would wait until I couldn’t physically walk to take a perc. This bothered my mother in law greatly. She meant well, she didn’t want to see me suffer. I knew better and I knew that trying to make her understand would be pointless, so I let it go and continued in my stubborn manner to do things my way. In the end I wasn’t addicted to them. I had no problems stopping taking them and prided on the fact that I had quite a few left….that of which I flushed down the toilet.

About a month and a half ago (maybe two months) I had a migraine. I used to get them alot but after doing South Beach a few years ago they became once a year events. Since I wasn’t “used” to them I was in alot of pain. Hubs came to my rescue with one of his prescription ibuprofen. My problem was they were horse pills I couldn’t swallow AND they were for his body size and type….I insisted he cut them in half. He did and when I took it, it got stuck in my esophagus. I sat there trying to drink it down and in the end vomited it back up. So hubby being overly concerned grabbed me one of his prescription percocets….the same ones that he got for his kidney stone and rarely took (meaning there were about 30 pills in the bottle). Again these were prescribed to a guy who is almost 2 times my size. I insisted again that he cut it in half (remember this!). He did. I took it and was in migraine free bliss within 15 minutes.

Since then migraines became more frequent. And like a dumbass I kept taking the percs. I figured the migraines were from stress due to my busy schedule. Next thing I know I am taking these half pills nightly. I rationalized this with my insomnia problems (which got worse and refused to notice had gotten worse). Then half pills became 3/4 pills. Then I find myself in a grocery store with the urgency to buy some junk food so that I could munch on something until I can put the kids to bed and take a pill but I didn’t want to eat just take a pill. And that was bad because I wasn’t considering cutting it…just taking a whole one. My palms were sweating, I hurt all over, my heart was racing (not good when your heartbeat is already out of whack) and that damned demon was back on my shoulder trying to figure out how I could take a pill sooner.

That was Saturday. I did take a pill that night. Not a full one, just 3/4 (as if that makes it better). I awoke Sunday morning feeling like I had pulled one of my all-nighter party sessions that I once did during high school. I couldn’t get motivated. I had promised Claire I would take her to the UU Church with me because she had mentioned how much she missed going to church of any kind. I had intended on the 9:15 service but like I said, I laid there unable to motivate myself. In the end we went to the 11:15 service. All that time we were out I hurt…hurt so bad. Kept thinking about those damned pills. When we got home around 2 (lunch and grocery shopping after the service) I laid down for a nap. I got up at 6. I felt like I was walking in a fog. Then the premonition came. I knew…..KNEW…that the next time I saw my friend Jenny (whom is psychic) and/or my psychic mentor Angela that they were going to confront me. I could see it. I could no longer ignore what I had tried so hard to supress. I was hooked. It was then that I decided to change that premonition and get off the damned pills ASAP.

If you have never been through percocet withdrawals, never take percocets…that is all I can say. It is absolute pure hell. I am irritable beyond beleif…much worse than my pmsy self. I hurt all over and I can’t help but think that one more pill will take that hurt away. My bowel movements are painful, diarrhetic and disgusting. I still feel that fog. One minute I am sweating and the next I am freezing. The insomnia has reached a new level of horrible. I didn’t fall asleep until well after 3 am this morning. I was constantly up and going to the bathroom thinking i would puke. I would spasm and cry from the pain. Hubs would try to comfort me but him touching me was horrible painful.

So much is going on mentally as well. I feel like I have thrown away 16 years of being clean within no time. It’s bruising  to my ego to say the least. At the same time the emotions I haven’t been feeling much of lately are crashing down on me. I feel stupid. I mean at 33 I should know better and look at what I have done to myself!

One thing that has bothered me all this morning was WHY did I get so hooked now and not before when I took them. I did only take them when I was in pain, but so did I in the beginning of this current lapse of judgment. I definetly had more migraines which is why I took them more often. So while I was googling the symptoms of the withdrawals this morning and to see if there were any options to making things less painful (not without taking something similar to methadone….no thanks!) I checked out some info on Percocet Abuse. What I found surprised me and now makes complete sense. Apparently percocet pills are a time release sort of thing. When you break the pill you mess up the time release and let loose a ton of Oxycodone into your system. When I had them for post surgery, I wasn’t breaking them in half since they were prescribed for my body size and chemical imbalance. My “smart thinking” in cutting them in half when they were prescribed to hubby was about the dumbest thing I could do (aside from actually taking them). I wasn’t just taking percocets…basically I was swallowing large amounts of oxycodone. It doesn’t take away from the fact that this is my fault. It is no dount my fault, but at least I now understand how things got out of my control.

Anyhow, it was important for me to get this out. I picked a sucky time for all of this to shed light but regardless I need to air it out…get through the detox period (i have read 3 days to 3 weeks….help!)…and move on. I think hubs flushed the pills this morning. I begged him to because at the time I wouldn’t have done it. If he hasn’t I am going to make sure they get flushed today. No temptations for me and I am not so far gone as to hit the streets for the stuff.


~ by alegna75 on April 20, 2009.

4 Responses to “A Little Humility Anyone?”

  1. *hugs*

  2. No advice. No pity. Just a hug. 🙂

  3. Thanks! Hugs I will happily take!

  4. You are super strong to be able to spot what was going on and take steps to stop it. That says a lot. Don’t be too hard on yourself.


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