Death Is Just The Beginning
I am sitting at work and I can’t get motivated. I have done some work already, got in from lunch and then started checking email. Now I don’t even feel like getting anything else on my mile-long list done. OY!
I have been funky here lately. For about a week and a half I became obsessed with the idea that at some point my husband will die. And not just die, but die before me. I really got myself worked up over it. It became a constant thought, running through the million different possibilities and then me running to find a place to hide and cry. All of this occuring at the holidays. What a crap ass time to think about something so dam morbid. I mean it is inevitable that we die. And I am totally OK with me dying. It’s just if Kyle or any of my kids goes…I don’t know that I can handle it. Probably the most fucked up way I got past the obsession is the conclusion I came to. I decided that if Kyle ever got really sick I would just kill myself. That was all it took. I totally am ok with him dying now. And I wish that I could say that I wouldn’t really do it. I don’t know. I think it’s honestly going to be something that I have to wait and see how I take it. In all of my scenarios I wasn’t old (nor was he). So if he is 90 years old (I would be 83) and goes, I might be ok with it. Yea it will fucking hurt like hell BUT deep down I will know that I got alot of time with him and he lived a good long life. He goes tomorrow at 40 years old and I don’t know that I could survive it.
Wow, what a cheery entry I have going on today. Sorry. It seems so normal to me and not a sad or depressing thing. I don’t know how to explain it at all. I remember one time we had a discussion and I literally started begging him just to promise me he wouldn’t die first. Selfish really. But since he has yet to make that promise to me I find myself really concerned about it. But only once in awhile. I can go months without thinking about it, then bam here we go. I have no idea what brings it on. I guess I could say because of all the people who had passed that I was thinking about over the holidays could have triggered it. But when I obsess in the middle of summer? Yea, I don’t know. All I know is that it drives me batty to think that I am going to have to deal with another death of someone I have allowed in deep. I only have a few people that will affect me tremendously when they die.
So maybe its just me being selfish? I mean its not like I sit around thinking of ways to off myself. Really, i don’t. Even during that week and a half, I never really planned it out. It was only my conclusion to dealing with it at that moment. But then I look at the kids and think “crap, what about them?” They don’t deserve to lose their mom just cause she is paranoid out her skull. But usually when I am obsessing I don’t really think of myself as a good mom. Not even mediocre. No usually I think that if he got sick, I offed myself, he could find a great mom to replace me. Man I hope my kids never read this blog. I would really not want them to know what thoughts flow through my head. I do hope that by unleashing all of this “stuff” that maybe it helps me in some way. Who knows…I guess only time will tell.