I hate it. Here I sit at 1 am wide awake. My brain just won’t quit. It makes me feel crazy and yet drives me nuts at the same time. I just sit here and think about….well everything. I tried doing chakra meditation in an effort to relax but grrrrr I just can’t stop the brain.
For the last hour I thought about all the boys I had ever dated. Wondered what they are doing now. A few I imagined were so heartbroken by the loss of me they went homosexual or killed themselves. How egotistical of me. But then….then I began to think about death. It’s no secret that I am fascinated with death, especially the after life. But I don’t drift to the afterlife. No, this is a strange sort of curiosity as to what its like to die or be dead. And it’s not in the perspective that I want to die, just simply want to know what to expect. I get nervous when I hit this topic since I have been suicidal in the past. It’s been 17 years since my last attempt and I doubt highly that I will attempt again, but why test the waters? So that’s why I am here. Just to let the words flow out and not act on them. So who knows how this post will read come tomorrow.
I have my zune on. Sometimes having the music to invade the mind causes it to stop racing. But I have to be careful, some songs that have lyrics involving violence….well i tend to imagine them out in my mind. That’s not good right now. I used to do that alot during high school, without the help of music. Seriously, I hated high school. It was not a very pleasant part of my childhood, but then again my childhood wasn’t very pleasant at all. Anyway between getting beat up for being a slut (I was a virgin), not being rich enough and being seen going into a Kmart with my parents, for not being popular….I plotted the deaths of my fellow school mates. I spent alot of time planning out just how I would shoot and blow them all to peices. At one point it was such an elaborate and ridiculous plan….I even had a helicopter for my getaway. What’s the most scariest about this is that I felt normal. It really wasn’t until my bipolar diagnosis that I realized I really was different. I mean yea I felt different then the kids, but I thought everyone had visions of death and murder. Everyone got beat up everyday by schoolmates or family. I thought I was normal. Once I was told I wasn’t normal I kept very quiet about my “plans”. I knew I didn’t have the balls to actually carry them out. I also knew if I said anything I would be moved to a higher security psychiatric unit. I might not have been normal, but I wasn’t stupid. And because of this, I have unpopular views on the situation with Columbine High. I do feel for the families that lost their children, I really do. But I also feel sorry for the boys. Society failed them in so many ways. People saw the warning signs and yet did nothing. And amidst everything, not one person has stood up and said “Perhaps we brought this on ourselves?”. Maybe we aren’t teaching our kids how to overcome being ridiculed. At the same time we are not teaching our kids to not ridicule others. Respect and self-respect has been lost. I don’t mean in anyway that the children deserved to die or be shot, but simply that they have not paid attention to the fact that they are responsible for their actions. And when you torment others be careful….you may torment the wrong one.
Ok so now that I got that out the system, I am going to attempt some more meditation and get some sleep.