Adventures with Laxatives
**warning: this blog contains discussion about shit, not baby shit but adult shit. If you don’t want to read about shit, I kindly ask you to leave now! This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Premier Value company and Kerr Drug**
I have been sick. The indigestion and constipation all began last Saturday. The indigestion was gone by Monday, the constipation decided to stick around. I have only been constipated when I was pregnant with my son and had to take iron pills. That was horrible then and this is horrible now…and I can’t even use the excuse of iron pills or pregnancy. All last night I spent most of my time in the bathroom praying to the porcelain gods to releive me of my misery (yes they take prayers at times other than drunkeness!). My stomach hurt so bad that at times I got nauseaus. I had to get everyone up this morning and I did not want to move. Once I did go this morning. It felt like one of the longest dumps in the world. It couldn’t have been fatter than a pencil and about half the length. At work the cycle of running to the bathroom began again. I would try to not go in cause I was sure that I wouldn’t go but my body would fool me. It would cramp hard and almost scream “I PROMISE YOU WILL SHIT THIS TIME AND FLOOD THE COMODE”. It lied everytime. I barely ate lunch, its hard to when your tummy is that tight and hurts. It’s not that I wasn’t hungry just very uncomfortable. My boss (who is my father in law) politely told me to go home and rest up. He assumes (and I somewhat agree) that the stress over the weekend has caused this tummy issue. On the way I stopped at Kerr Drug. If you shop there you know they have offbrand called Premier Drug. I intended on getting Metamucil but I got lost in the sea of laxatives. I am not someone who likes taking meds. So when I cave and do it, I spend forever trying to figure out what is the best option. Money was an issue too so everything I looked at I would see if it came in Premier Value. I settled on their knock off Correctol “woman’s laxative for gentle, dependable, over night relief”. I almost wondered if I should wait until bed time to take it. But by the time I got home I was so desperate to shit I tore the box open. I read the directions : Adults & Children aged 12 and over take 1-3 tablets (usually 2) daily. That “usually 2” stuck out at me. I thought for a millisecond I should take just 2. But I hadn’t shit in days so I took 3. I then read the box some more and found this: “this product usually causes bowel movement in 6-12 hours”. I almost groaned at this, the earliest shit would be around 8 pm. I laid down. Hubby called, he really wanted me to pick up kids. I groaned a little bit more and louder than necessary. It worked, he would handle it. I fell asleep. At 5 pm (3 hours later) I awoke to a horrid cramp. I went to the bathroom fully expecting nothing…and actually fell asleep for a minute on the john. my hubby texted me at 5:15 (ok sue me but my phone is ALWAYS with me!). Thats when it began. It was like a bad horror movie scene. The exorcist pea soup scene had nothing on the explosion out of my ass. And it felt good but not very comfy. Imagine what would have happened had I taken that before bedtime?
It’s about 9:30 now and I have only had one other “successful” potty break…but it was nowhere near as adventurous. I don’t want to take the “gentle” laxative again. I just want to feel normal again!!